people have been asking why i'm leaving, and what brought me to the decision to move across the country with nothing. so, before i leave, and while i still have a bit of time, i'll spend a few blog posts explaining. this first one relates to my decision to leave the corporate 9-5 world that i had fallen into.
i was a sociology major. I made grades out of ripping corporations to shreds, and turning my pierced nose up at people who committed to 9-5 lifestyles. however, through a series of events following my post graduate degree, I found myself walking into a large building in the middle of downtown Toronto, wearing tailored pants and a blazer, wondering to myself, ‘how did i get here?’.
I could (and managed to) convince myself that I enjoyed what I was doing – I work with great people (for the most part), days go by quickly (for the most part), I was able to be involved in projects that I have initiated and enjoy (for the most part). I am highly respected, totted for being mobile in the ranks, and someone who has become friends with quite a few people in the workplace. I’m sure I have my haters – those who could do without me, those who don’t appreciate my go-getter attitude, and those who think I’m out of place. but for the most part, people like me, and the work I do.
however, it’s not difficult for those around me to see that my work is not my passion. I am proud of the work I do, and I think it’s vital that I complete my tasks in a way I can be proud of. but, with that being said, it’s certainly not what I dreamt about as a child; it’s not what I envisioned when I was a little girl, dreaming of all the things I could do when I ‘grew up’.
so, when it occurred to me on a fairly monumental (to me) birthday one year, that I have in fact ‘grown up’, I realized that I was stuck in place. a hamster on a wheel. on the proverbial ‘merry-go-round’ of life – moving up and down, but watching the same sights again and again and again as I circled in place.
I found myself staring at a computer screen, writing emails to people I didn’t know, who made me frustrated/angry/sad/upset on a daily basis. and the thing that bothered me most? I was allowing these people to determine my mood – people whom I had never met.
it triggered something for me – if I was going to be spending 50 hours a week doing something, it should be something I’m passionate about; something that matters to me; something that I enjoy thinking about when I’m on vacation. not a job that I find myself stagnant in, just waiting for the right oppourtunity to come along.
my issue was, ‘where do I start?’ in working my 9-5 with pride, I found myself working frequently until 8, 9, or 10 at night. this left little time to do laundry, see friends, make a healthy dinner, do grocery shopping, let alone focus on what my passions were, and where I was to go with them once I figured it out.
always a planner, I made some plans. I planned to work on my website; I planned to contact stores; I planned to design, and sell and do all of these things that I needed to do to move forward with a legitimate business.
and then I stopped myself. I put it all aside. I stopped, and looked at the paperwork, the beads, the computer and the planners, the business card designs, the contact info and the location scouting notes in front of me. and I realized – before I could live with a new business, supporting my worldwide travels, and my need for flexibility, creativity, and longevity, I needed to determine what my passion was, and what it was I should be doing daily in order to make that passion part of my day-to-day life.
so why then, was I allowing myself to sit at a desk, and spin in circles – never creating, imagining, producing – while I solve other people’s problems? i had let myself step onto the merry-go-round, in hopes of solving huge problems, and creating plans for corporate social responsibility - instead, i found that the ride never stopped long enough to let me see if my surroundings have changed, or if i had actually moved anywhere.
i spend a lot of time thinking. time when i should be working. either in my 9-5, or working on my passions. thinking about where I am, where I should be, and what I’m doing en route. I think about what I want, who I am, and who I want to be perceived as.
and finally, it all culminated. what i was doing daily, in my 9-5 was not right. it wasn't good for me, my physical health, my mental health, or who i wanted to be in 5, 10, 15 years.
and so, i made a huge decision. a decision to quit it all, and start fresh - with nothing.
......................................................................................
i was a sociology major. I made grades out of ripping corporations to shreds, and turning my pierced nose up at people who committed to 9-5 lifestyles. however, through a series of events following my post graduate degree, I found myself walking into a large building in the middle of downtown Toronto, wearing tailored pants and a blazer, wondering to myself, ‘how did i get here?’.
I could (and managed to) convince myself that I enjoyed what I was doing – I work with great people (for the most part), days go by quickly (for the most part), I was able to be involved in projects that I have initiated and enjoy (for the most part). I am highly respected, totted for being mobile in the ranks, and someone who has become friends with quite a few people in the workplace. I’m sure I have my haters – those who could do without me, those who don’t appreciate my go-getter attitude, and those who think I’m out of place. but for the most part, people like me, and the work I do.
however, it’s not difficult for those around me to see that my work is not my passion. I am proud of the work I do, and I think it’s vital that I complete my tasks in a way I can be proud of. but, with that being said, it’s certainly not what I dreamt about as a child; it’s not what I envisioned when I was a little girl, dreaming of all the things I could do when I ‘grew up’.
so, when it occurred to me on a fairly monumental (to me) birthday one year, that I have in fact ‘grown up’, I realized that I was stuck in place. a hamster on a wheel. on the proverbial ‘merry-go-round’ of life – moving up and down, but watching the same sights again and again and again as I circled in place.
I found myself staring at a computer screen, writing emails to people I didn’t know, who made me frustrated/angry/sad/upset on a daily basis. and the thing that bothered me most? I was allowing these people to determine my mood – people whom I had never met.
it triggered something for me – if I was going to be spending 50 hours a week doing something, it should be something I’m passionate about; something that matters to me; something that I enjoy thinking about when I’m on vacation. not a job that I find myself stagnant in, just waiting for the right oppourtunity to come along.
my issue was, ‘where do I start?’ in working my 9-5 with pride, I found myself working frequently until 8, 9, or 10 at night. this left little time to do laundry, see friends, make a healthy dinner, do grocery shopping, let alone focus on what my passions were, and where I was to go with them once I figured it out.
always a planner, I made some plans. I planned to work on my website; I planned to contact stores; I planned to design, and sell and do all of these things that I needed to do to move forward with a legitimate business.
what is it I love to do?
I once heard a quote: “whatever it is you do while you are procrastinating, is what you should do for the rest of your life”. so I thought, ‘what do I do when I procrastinate?’ I blog. I write. I imagine. I create in many ways – designing, drawing, painting, decorating. I write poetry and fiction. I sing, and I listen. I admire everything that is creative about the world we live in. I sit, and imagine, and I walk and dance. I produce.so why then, was I allowing myself to sit at a desk, and spin in circles – never creating, imagining, producing – while I solve other people’s problems? i had let myself step onto the merry-go-round, in hopes of solving huge problems, and creating plans for corporate social responsibility - instead, i found that the ride never stopped long enough to let me see if my surroundings have changed, or if i had actually moved anywhere.
i spend a lot of time thinking. time when i should be working. either in my 9-5, or working on my passions. thinking about where I am, where I should be, and what I’m doing en route. I think about what I want, who I am, and who I want to be perceived as.
and finally, it all culminated. what i was doing daily, in my 9-5 was not right. it wasn't good for me, my physical health, my mental health, or who i wanted to be in 5, 10, 15 years.
no plan. no job. no apartment. just a strong head and a full heart.