'the rise and fall of great powers'

i have been a bit quiet lately. and i know i have alluded to many things... big and small... and at this point, i don't have many things to share. lots coming, lots going, and lots in the middle.
it will all come to point, and you can believe i have much happening in this giant head of mine (not kidding - when i was a baby they though i had hydrocephalus), and much reflection has been rolling around.
that is all to say, much will come. and, until then, i'm practicing and learning to allow my soul to be calm and explorative. the world is a wonderful place. and i'm learning it more and more everyday.

dirty words and labels

i became vegan 6 and a half years ago. i was in my fourth year of university, doing heavy amounts of reading about food insecurity within the region i lived in. i was studying the environmental effects of meat eating, and i was writing about plant based diets in other countries. quoting statistics and summarizing long papers with strong conclusions about the world of meat eaters we lived in.  and then, i was leaving my dorm (where i was a student advisor), and wandering to the cafeteria to grab a chicken breast for dinner.

something didn't quite add up. 

i was reading about the world's inefficiencies in meat production, and general country to country trade (specifically the trade that leaves canada in the dust when it comes to the price of meat), and then i was consuming the same meat that presumably had been shipped from japan or britain.
and i felt like a hypocrite.
so i changed - one day, i announced that i would be vegan. there was no transition (mostly because i knew if i didn't cut cold turkey, i'd never ever give up cheese). no prep period. i decided that march 1st felt like a good day for a life change.

(via)

of course there were my own rules. i ate cow from family farms (literally - my own aunt's and uncle's kept me deep in beef for 6 years... and bless them for it) where i knew how it had been raised, knew the people raising it, knew what it was eating, and what it's life looked like. i ate eggs from a farm i visited in toronto for the same reasons. essentially, the food i ate was food that i was confident was being raised in a responsible, and respectful manner. not organic - that's a whole other discussion - but instead meat and protein that had been raised the way animals were raised in a day where people existed off of 2 meals of meat a week. i was eating meat only when i had visited a farm and truly felt like the owners and operators of that farm were honouring the farming they were doing, and respecting the animals they were farming. when they were keeping their animals healthy for the sake of the animal, and not for the sake of the profit. when they were steering clear of horomones, and feeding their animals food... not chemicals.
throughout those 6.5 years, i described myself as vegan - it was the easiest way to explain to people without a long winded conversation, that i was a selective eater. very selective. and in scenarios (like work/sales settings) where a conversation was perhaps not appropriate, vegan was simply the easiest term to describe how i ate when at a chain restaurant. was i purely vegan? not in the strictest terms - i did eat meat. about once a quarter. did i want to order a meat dish at a chain restaurant where it had presumably come from a factory farm in who know's where's-ville? not in the least. so 'vegan' it was. but that's where things got sticky.
fast forward through 6 years of mostly vegan, and trying to explain myself to every single person alive. 6 years of people defensively acting as though what i'm doing is blasphemy, and an insult towards their way of life. 6 years of defending myself against people who - for some reason - took my eating/lifestyle choices as a direct attack on their own, and therefore a perfect opportunity to pick apart everything i was doing wrong as a 'vegan'.
it was getting to the point where i was doing more justifying than conversing about my eating choices.
i then experienced a run of health issues that people thought of as a perfect opportunity to break down my eating. i was told to introduce natural calcium back into my diet, and cut out gluten. talk about criticism HEYDAY.
then. i spent 10 days in a car, to move across the country.
i had been doing pretty well with my diet, despite long work hours and high levels of stress. then, i was thrown into a car for 10 days, with little else vegan to eat than subway sandwiches. SUBWAY. bread. galore.
needless to say, i was a miserable mess for those 10 days. and i couldn't help but think - in my quest to save the planet, and the political environment of the meat industry, i was eating commercialized bread and veggies? something didn't add up.

(via)

i'd been thinking about making the switch back to 'non-vegan' for a few months, and the trip solidified something for me - i was continuing with an activity, a lifestyle, a motion, just for the sake of a label. and for the people who held me strictly to the label.
i spent some time truly reflecting on the previous 6 years, and what it would mean to retract the label people had been using to describe me for that time. would i still eat consciously, and make every effort to eat clean, with strong ties to the community i was living in - be it locally in season foods, or nearby farmers honouring the farming tradition? absolutely. would i eat meat daily, and fall back into old habits of consuming meat without thought as to its origins, or it's pathway to my dinner table? absolutely not. would i feel better about conscious choices, and reinforcing to vendors, restaurants, and friends that sustainable meat, less often, was a much better way to go about things... than the way north american culture consumes meat now?
conversely, would i have to spend my time defending myself to those who attacked, as soon as they heard the term 'vegan', or could i instead spend that time discussing food, and it's origins with those same people who were less defensive when it was clear i wasn't attacking them with my lifestyle choices. it became sort of a no-brainer.
to be clear, those who have the time, and finances for a TRULY strong, and meaningful vegan lifestyle (i.e. ellen degeneres) are high up on a pedestal to me. it is strongly proven through research that a vegan diet is not only one of the most healthy lifestyles to live, but it is also indisputably the most environmentally friendly - if people are paying attention to where their plant based foods are coming from. however, in the time of working hard hours on hours of the day, and not having the means for a personal chef, i think we've all been tempted by a veggie dog (or 108745) as vegs. is a veggie hot dog a more sustainable option than a chicken breast from a local, sustainable farm? probably not. hence, the dilemma.
that is all to say, i'm no longer vegan. do i still buy vegan margarine? absolutely. does my diet still heavily consist of homemade hummus, rice cakes, and veggies? 100%. do i still prefer almond yogurt to regular? no question (well... i'm also biased as i'm still lactose intolerant, but that's another story).
at the end of the day, all it means is that you'll see meat on my plate every now and again, and i'll have the option to choose sustainable chicken in a grocery store, over a veggie sub on my next roadtrip.

oh, the possibilities are endless. 

(also - i may pretend i'm still vegan next time i visit my aunt... she makes a KILLER tofu pot pie).

on days like today.

here's the thing about chronic pain - sometimes you just hurt. for no good rhyme or reason, you wake up somedays, and you just can't move.
this morning was one of those mornings. i haven't had many like them in a long time. one of my largest reasons for dropping everything and moving to the west coast was for my back - a better quality of life where i felt less back pain, had time to work on elevating my wellness level, and doing things like biking, walking, and isometrics - all in the quest for a lesser level of daily pain. 
and - for the most part - it's worked. when people ask, i can genuinely say, 'it feels great'. i generally feel a lower level of pain daily, and i've even had a few days where my body hasn't hurt... and while that may seem like a small or insignificant thing, it's a milestone i never ever thought in my life i would attain. 
as someone who has had health issues my entire life, i don't think i remember the last time i didn't hurt. osgood-schlatter disease put me on crutches in middle school for an extensive period of time. then a broken ankle. then came a broken wrist that has resulted in pain since that time - likely due to arthritis that has developed from the break. then, in university, a torn achilles - with many complications arising from that. aircast and crutches for months. then, once i was finally healed enough to move on in some way, another broken ankle. and on, and so on. lifelong migraines, pneumonia, mono, fifth disease, shingles that have left permanent nerve damage in my hip. you'll see a trend in ridiculous injuries, and supreme klutziness that has resulted in a moderately painful life. pain has haunted me for some time. an all over body haunt. something that never goes away. 
it's usually dull - usually only about a 7 or 8 out of 10. it usually sits on the back shelf, yelling out every once in a while to remind me its there. it all just becomes the norm. it becomes your day to day. it becomes the standard, and anything worse becomes a bad day. you just live through it, and hope for a 5 or 6 out of 10 (a GREAT day), instead of one of those days where you fall at an 8 or a 9.
try to imagine you have a bully. someone who every morning hurls insults at you as you walk out your front door. they follow you all day - through classes, or work, meetings, and appointments. dates and time with friends. alone time, workout time, showering, cooking, walking, biking, laughing, creating. everything you do, they are sitting there with you, reminding you why you are useless. they poke and prod you. they insult your friends, family, partners, colleagues. they make you feel worthless with small comments and gestures, and they know exactly where your weakest point is that day, and work to diminish your ability to stand up for that point. feeling self conscious about your body shape that day? the bully pokes your sides, and tells you to work out more. feeling unsure about a new relationship? the bully tells you that person is uninterested, and you're a fool for thinking otherwise. 

that is what chronic pain is like. 

you can imagine then, how it felt one morning to wake up, and feel free. to wake up without pain. one day, it just wasn't there. then a second time about a week later. it was like i was finally free. the moment lasted for only minutes, but it was minutes of my life that i had not felt for years - long enough that i couldn't remember what freedom was like. 

it was all worth celebrating. 

then there are mornings like this. mornings where i set my alarm for 7:30, to coincide with my new gym schedule, then off to meet a friend for coffee and breakfast before a yoga class and then work. and i wake up... and i can't move. the pain - for no reason at all - is shooting through my legs and arms. i can't move my neck for fear of sharp pains moving up into my temples. i roll around to try to find comfort, and there is nothing. 
i go through my list of things in my head why this could be my fault. did i work out to vigorously yesterday or the day before? no - in fact i skipped the workouts because i felt a little pain that i didn't want to aggrivate. did i sit, or walk, or stand, or sleep funny, and that may have caused it? no - not intentionally anyways - i slept in my typical posture, with my pillow between my knees because it help with alignment while i sleep. what could i have done to screw this up? it must be my fault. 
it's a blame game. and after 45 minutes of lying in bed, i remember it's not my fault. it just... is. 
i pull myself out of bed, after an hour and fifteen minutes. i stretch. i'm feeling pain in my knees and in my wrist too today, as well as the dull ache of a migraine tomorrow - in ontario i would have thought this meant a storm was coming, but the west coast doesn't seem to do that to me. 
today, this just means, it's one of those days. one of those days that i relinquish control to my pain. it's a day where i just try to make it to the end without the use of percocets or muscle relaxants, or anti inflammatories. i do my best to stick with arnica and hot tea, and some consistent stretching. i know it won't be enough... but i fight. 

today is just one of those days.

when life gives you lemonade (skip the lemons altogether)

sometimes you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. you take an hour to get up because of pain, you don't feel like you're sweating as much when you work out, your tea doesn't taste as great as it usually does, and the people cleaning the halls in your building (or WHATEVER they're doing out there) are crazy noisy, and so sleeping past 7:45am is not something that's possible. you get rejection emails - or no emails at all - and you get word after word of negativity and 'not interested'. and, when job hunting, that's the opposite of awesome.

part of it is, hey, i've been procrastinating. i haven't worked hard enough or long enough, or enough in general, to get things done when i should. i have waited too long to make phone calls, and then it's too late in the day because of the time change. all in all, i could chalk a lot of a bad days up to my own mis-steps and laziness. 

but then, something happens - the uiverse remembers that it's been kicking your ass for so long that mayyyyybe you deserve a bit of a break for, oh, half a day - and those days can turn around quickly. within a few hours yesterday, good things happened, to remind me that sometimes, the world wants to start giving you cookies instead of chickpeas (spoiler alert: i made chickpea cookies). i met with the lovely sarah of much & little, and am pleased to announce that re:claim will now be carried in her beautiful store of curated goodies. 

i received an email saying i won free passes to get see fast & furious 6 (don't judge me). i received another email indicating i'm 1 step closer to a dream job (finger's crossed). and then, a lovely and generous (and very handy) friend of mine offered up his workshop, and ultimately his own time and skills, to help me build my jewelry show display from the ground up. and guys - it looks AWESOME. 

sometimes, the world just hands you lemonade, instead of throwing full on lemons at you (lemons HURT). thanks world. let's cuddle later.