here's the thing about chronic pain - sometimes you just hurt. for no good rhyme or reason, you wake up somedays, and you just can't move.
this morning was one of those mornings. i haven't had many like them in a long time. one of my largest reasons for dropping everything and moving to the west coast was for my back - a better quality of life where i felt less back pain, had time to work on elevating my wellness level, and doing things like biking, walking, and isometrics - all in the quest for a lesser level of daily pain.
and - for the most part - it's worked. when people ask, i can genuinely say, 'it feels great'. i generally feel a lower level of pain daily, and i've even had a few days where my body hasn't hurt... and while that may seem like a small or insignificant thing, it's a milestone i never ever thought in my life i would attain.
as someone who has had health issues my entire life, i don't think i remember the last time i didn't hurt. osgood-schlatter disease put me on crutches in middle school for an extensive period of time. then a broken ankle. then came a broken wrist that has resulted in pain since that time - likely due to arthritis that has developed from the break. then, in university, a torn achilles - with many complications arising from that. aircast and crutches for months. then, once i was finally healed enough to move on in some way, another broken ankle. and on, and so on. lifelong migraines, pneumonia, mono, fifth disease, shingles that have left permanent nerve damage in my hip. you'll see a trend in ridiculous injuries, and supreme klutziness that has resulted in a moderately painful life. pain has haunted me for some time. an all over body haunt. something that never goes away.
it's usually dull - usually only about a 7 or 8 out of 10. it usually sits on the back shelf, yelling out every once in a while to remind me its there. it all just becomes the norm. it becomes your day to day. it becomes the standard, and anything worse becomes a bad day. you just live through it, and hope for a 5 or 6 out of 10 (a GREAT day), instead of one of those days where you fall at an 8 or a 9.
try to imagine you have a bully. someone who every morning hurls insults at you as you walk out your front door. they follow you all day - through classes, or work, meetings, and appointments. dates and time with friends. alone time, workout time, showering, cooking, walking, biking, laughing, creating. everything you do, they are sitting there with you, reminding you why you are useless. they poke and prod you. they insult your friends, family, partners, colleagues. they make you feel worthless with small comments and gestures, and they know exactly where your weakest point is that day, and work to diminish your ability to stand up for that point. feeling self conscious about your body shape that day? the bully pokes your sides, and tells you to work out more. feeling unsure about a new relationship? the bully tells you that person is uninterested, and you're a fool for thinking otherwise.
i go through my list of things in my head why this could be my fault. did i work out to vigorously yesterday or the day before? no - in fact i skipped the workouts because i felt a little pain that i didn't want to aggrivate. did i sit, or walk, or stand, or sleep funny, and that may have caused it? no - not intentionally anyways - i slept in my typical posture, with my pillow between my knees because it help with alignment while i sleep. what could i have done to screw this up? it must be my fault.
it's a blame game. and after 45 minutes of lying in bed, i remember it's not my fault. it just... is.
i pull myself out of bed, after an hour and fifteen minutes. i stretch. i'm feeling pain in my knees and in my wrist too today, as well as the dull ache of a migraine tomorrow - in ontario i would have thought this meant a storm was coming, but the west coast doesn't seem to do that to me.
today, this just means, it's one of those days. one of those days that i relinquish control to my pain. it's a day where i just try to make it to the end without the use of percocets or muscle relaxants, or anti inflammatories. i do my best to stick with arnica and hot tea, and some consistent stretching. i know it won't be enough... but i fight.
this morning was one of those mornings. i haven't had many like them in a long time. one of my largest reasons for dropping everything and moving to the west coast was for my back - a better quality of life where i felt less back pain, had time to work on elevating my wellness level, and doing things like biking, walking, and isometrics - all in the quest for a lesser level of daily pain.
and - for the most part - it's worked. when people ask, i can genuinely say, 'it feels great'. i generally feel a lower level of pain daily, and i've even had a few days where my body hasn't hurt... and while that may seem like a small or insignificant thing, it's a milestone i never ever thought in my life i would attain.
as someone who has had health issues my entire life, i don't think i remember the last time i didn't hurt. osgood-schlatter disease put me on crutches in middle school for an extensive period of time. then a broken ankle. then came a broken wrist that has resulted in pain since that time - likely due to arthritis that has developed from the break. then, in university, a torn achilles - with many complications arising from that. aircast and crutches for months. then, once i was finally healed enough to move on in some way, another broken ankle. and on, and so on. lifelong migraines, pneumonia, mono, fifth disease, shingles that have left permanent nerve damage in my hip. you'll see a trend in ridiculous injuries, and supreme klutziness that has resulted in a moderately painful life. pain has haunted me for some time. an all over body haunt. something that never goes away.
it's usually dull - usually only about a 7 or 8 out of 10. it usually sits on the back shelf, yelling out every once in a while to remind me its there. it all just becomes the norm. it becomes your day to day. it becomes the standard, and anything worse becomes a bad day. you just live through it, and hope for a 5 or 6 out of 10 (a GREAT day), instead of one of those days where you fall at an 8 or a 9.
try to imagine you have a bully. someone who every morning hurls insults at you as you walk out your front door. they follow you all day - through classes, or work, meetings, and appointments. dates and time with friends. alone time, workout time, showering, cooking, walking, biking, laughing, creating. everything you do, they are sitting there with you, reminding you why you are useless. they poke and prod you. they insult your friends, family, partners, colleagues. they make you feel worthless with small comments and gestures, and they know exactly where your weakest point is that day, and work to diminish your ability to stand up for that point. feeling self conscious about your body shape that day? the bully pokes your sides, and tells you to work out more. feeling unsure about a new relationship? the bully tells you that person is uninterested, and you're a fool for thinking otherwise.
that is what chronic pain is like.
you can imagine then, how it felt one morning to wake up, and feel free. to wake up without pain. one day, it just wasn't there. then a second time about a week later. it was like i was finally free. the moment lasted for only minutes, but it was minutes of my life that i had not felt for years - long enough that i couldn't remember what freedom was like.
it was all worth celebrating.
then there are mornings like this. mornings where i set my alarm for 7:30, to coincide with my new gym schedule, then off to meet a friend for coffee and breakfast before a yoga class and then work. and i wake up... and i can't move. the pain - for no reason at all - is shooting through my legs and arms. i can't move my neck for fear of sharp pains moving up into my temples. i roll around to try to find comfort, and there is nothing. i go through my list of things in my head why this could be my fault. did i work out to vigorously yesterday or the day before? no - in fact i skipped the workouts because i felt a little pain that i didn't want to aggrivate. did i sit, or walk, or stand, or sleep funny, and that may have caused it? no - not intentionally anyways - i slept in my typical posture, with my pillow between my knees because it help with alignment while i sleep. what could i have done to screw this up? it must be my fault.
it's a blame game. and after 45 minutes of lying in bed, i remember it's not my fault. it just... is.
i pull myself out of bed, after an hour and fifteen minutes. i stretch. i'm feeling pain in my knees and in my wrist too today, as well as the dull ache of a migraine tomorrow - in ontario i would have thought this meant a storm was coming, but the west coast doesn't seem to do that to me.
today, this just means, it's one of those days. one of those days that i relinquish control to my pain. it's a day where i just try to make it to the end without the use of percocets or muscle relaxants, or anti inflammatories. i do my best to stick with arnica and hot tea, and some consistent stretching. i know it won't be enough... but i fight.
today is just one of those days.