this past month was a different kind of month. being so distant from 'home' (oh gosh what is 'home'?), it is a rare occasion i have the chance to spend hours upon hours with friends who have known me as long as these. the past week has been filled with visitors - penpals and new friends from kentucky, travelers with weary legs and bodies coming for long periods of time, and friends with babies, taking time just for me. throughout the week, there was traveling and tourism, and talking and tearing with laughter.
and - after celebratory mcflurries and dripping candle wax (for birthdays) - upon arriving home last night after a week of visits, i was exhausted. exhausted from traveling and touring and talking and laughing.... but moreso exhausted from the idea of living without these people.
how does one go on without friends? without friendship?
seemingly drastic, i know. but it goes without saying that we can believe we spend our lives depending on others for fulfillment. and while we can find complete and utter happiness within our souls alone, there's nothing like a friend who makes you laugh until you cry.
in the past year, i've been able to experience the amazing process of finding friendship. in earlier parts of my life, i took for granted the back up i had at my disposal. there was never a desperation to finding and holding onto a friend. if i began a new job and didn't connect with any of my colleagues, i knew i would be ok - i had a friend i met for lunch regularly right across the street; i had friends to spend time with on weekends, and friends who lived in my house, and those who were willing to travel into the city with whom i could spend weekends. and they all alleviated the pressure. there was then, an ease to finding friendship in unlikely places - i could share my thoughts on work, the previous night's happenings, and what tomorrow's weather would bring with the woman i sat next to at work, without any fear. she may not like me, and that was ok - i had my friends, and didn't necessarily need to add to that group. when she became my (rather unlikely) friend, it was a bonus. like that pool of lives you gained from getting 3 stars in a row at the end of super mario bros. 3. and perhaps that's what made it natural - no stress friendship.
then, you find yourself with no lives, running to the end of the level, knowing if you don't get that 3rd star at the end, you'll likely be killed by those hammer throwing turtles, and it will all be over. (i have spent a LOT of time on mario brothers wikipedia). then, the stress levels are high, you miss the star, and you have to start again. it's all over.
you can imagine what my friend making mission was like when i moved.
forced to begin again. no friends for fallback. i was flinging my best self out at all times - and let me tell you... my best self is not the greatest. it involves incredibly dry humour, awkward bruises ALL the time - most of which i have no explanation for, inappropriate behaviour in many situations, and then the odd vent about political appropriateness.
when you're in your late 20's and starting again, it sometimes feels like all is lost. like those safety tethers that you have worked your entire life to attain and hold so close onto, are suddenly letting go.... and suddenly so far away.
and there are misses. and there are moments where you think you've found someone, and you find it's not the case. there are near catastrophes, and fumbling moments of first date awkwardness, and lonely nights, and the odd overshare with a person who only ends up being a stranger by month two. and all of those things contribute to what it means to be with yourself wholly, and trust that even when those friends come - because, they will, albeit slowly, and not without hiccups - you are still you, and you are still enough, and you will be ok.
and, better yet, all of those things contribute to making you a better friend. a friend who appreciates without question, those people in your life who are the tethers. the ones who bring you back. the ones who laugh at your dry, inappropriate humor, and ignore your political rants (when appropriate), and share in the inappropriate humour... and those friends become both new and old. and somewhere in the middle, you get what it means to open yourself up to simply being a friend.
the rest, comes.
and - after celebratory mcflurries and dripping candle wax (for birthdays) - upon arriving home last night after a week of visits, i was exhausted. exhausted from traveling and touring and talking and laughing.... but moreso exhausted from the idea of living without these people.
how does one go on without friends? without friendship?
seemingly drastic, i know. but it goes without saying that we can believe we spend our lives depending on others for fulfillment. and while we can find complete and utter happiness within our souls alone, there's nothing like a friend who makes you laugh until you cry.
in the past year, i've been able to experience the amazing process of finding friendship. in earlier parts of my life, i took for granted the back up i had at my disposal. there was never a desperation to finding and holding onto a friend. if i began a new job and didn't connect with any of my colleagues, i knew i would be ok - i had a friend i met for lunch regularly right across the street; i had friends to spend time with on weekends, and friends who lived in my house, and those who were willing to travel into the city with whom i could spend weekends. and they all alleviated the pressure. there was then, an ease to finding friendship in unlikely places - i could share my thoughts on work, the previous night's happenings, and what tomorrow's weather would bring with the woman i sat next to at work, without any fear. she may not like me, and that was ok - i had my friends, and didn't necessarily need to add to that group. when she became my (rather unlikely) friend, it was a bonus. like that pool of lives you gained from getting 3 stars in a row at the end of super mario bros. 3. and perhaps that's what made it natural - no stress friendship.
then, you find yourself with no lives, running to the end of the level, knowing if you don't get that 3rd star at the end, you'll likely be killed by those hammer throwing turtles, and it will all be over. (i have spent a LOT of time on mario brothers wikipedia). then, the stress levels are high, you miss the star, and you have to start again. it's all over.
you can imagine what my friend making mission was like when i moved.
when you're in your late 20's and starting again, it sometimes feels like all is lost. like those safety tethers that you have worked your entire life to attain and hold so close onto, are suddenly letting go.... and suddenly so far away.
and there are misses. and there are moments where you think you've found someone, and you find it's not the case. there are near catastrophes, and fumbling moments of first date awkwardness, and lonely nights, and the odd overshare with a person who only ends up being a stranger by month two. and all of those things contribute to what it means to be with yourself wholly, and trust that even when those friends come - because, they will, albeit slowly, and not without hiccups - you are still you, and you are still enough, and you will be ok.
and, better yet, all of those things contribute to making you a better friend. a friend who appreciates without question, those people in your life who are the tethers. the ones who bring you back. the ones who laugh at your dry, inappropriate humor, and ignore your political rants (when appropriate), and share in the inappropriate humour... and those friends become both new and old. and somewhere in the middle, you get what it means to open yourself up to simply being a friend.
the rest, comes.