thoughts

friends and mario bros.

this past month was a different kind of month. being so distant from 'home' (oh gosh what is 'home'?), it is a rare occasion i have the chance to spend hours upon hours with friends who have known me as long as these. the past week has been filled with visitors - penpals and new friends from kentucky, travelers with weary legs and bodies coming for long periods of time, and friends with babies, taking time just for me. throughout the week, there was traveling and tourism, and talking and tearing with laughter.
and - after celebratory mcflurries and dripping candle wax (for birthdays) - upon arriving home last night after a week of visits, i was exhausted. exhausted from traveling and touring and talking and laughing.... but moreso exhausted from the idea of living without these people.
how does one go on without friends? without friendship?
seemingly drastic, i know. but it goes without saying that we can believe we spend our lives depending on others for fulfillment. and while we can find complete and utter happiness within our souls alone, there's nothing like a friend who makes you laugh until you cry.
in the past year, i've been able to experience the amazing process of finding friendship. in earlier parts of my life, i took for granted the back up i had at my disposal. there was never a desperation to finding and holding onto a friend. if i began a new job and didn't connect with any of my colleagues, i knew i would be ok - i had a friend i met for lunch regularly right across the street; i had friends to spend time with on weekends, and friends who lived in my house, and those who were willing to travel into the city with whom i could spend weekends. and they all alleviated the pressure. there was then, an ease to finding friendship in unlikely places - i could share my thoughts on work, the previous night's happenings, and what tomorrow's weather would bring with the woman i sat next to at work, without any fear. she may not like me, and that was ok - i had my friends, and didn't necessarily need to add to that group. when she became my (rather unlikely) friend, it was a bonus. like that pool of lives you gained from getting 3 stars in a row at the end of super mario bros. 3.  and perhaps that's what made it natural - no stress friendship.
then, you find yourself with no lives, running to the end of the level, knowing if you don't get that 3rd star at the end, you'll likely be killed by those hammer throwing turtles, and it will all be over. (i have spent a LOT of time on mario brothers wikipedia). then, the stress levels are high, you miss the star, and you have to start again. it's all over.
you can imagine what my friend making mission was like when i moved.
forced to begin again. no friends for fallback. i was flinging my best self out at all times - and let me tell you... my best self is not the greatest. it involves incredibly dry humour, awkward bruises ALL the time - most of which i have no explanation for, inappropriate behaviour in many situations, and then the odd vent about political appropriateness.
when you're in your late 20's and starting again, it sometimes feels like all is lost. like those safety tethers that you have worked your entire life to attain and hold so close onto, are suddenly letting go.... and suddenly so far away.
and there are misses. and there are moments where you think you've found someone, and you find it's not the case. there are near catastrophes, and fumbling moments of first date awkwardness, and lonely nights, and the odd overshare with a person who only ends up being a stranger by month two. and all of those things contribute to what it means to be with yourself wholly, and trust that even when those friends come - because, they will, albeit slowly, and not without hiccups - you are still you, and you are still enough, and you will be ok.
and, better yet, all of those things contribute to making you a better friend. a friend who appreciates without question, those people in your life who are the tethers. the ones who bring you back. the ones who laugh at your dry, inappropriate humor, and ignore your political rants (when appropriate), and share in the inappropriate humour... and those friends become both new and old. and somewhere in the middle, you get what it means to open yourself up to simply being a friend.
the rest, comes.

a month.

also... it took a month for me to reconnect.
call it needing some space to really gather my thoughts. call it, connecting with those who i needed some intention from. call it learning to be who i am.
and, as cheesy as it sounds, i needed to come back on my own. with a drink in hand, and a pen beside me.... here i am.
lovely. a month goes quickly when you don't count the days.

a feeling that can't be shaken.

i came home about a week and a half ago.
and for about a week and a half, i've been unable to shake the feeling of blasé that seems to have accompanied me home. 
         blasé [ˈblɑːzeɪ] adj
1. indifferent to something because of familiarity or surfeit
2. lacking enthusiasm; bored
i'm lacking enthusiasm. i'm indifferent due to familiarity. i'm bored. 
and it's not from lack of trying - going out, engaging in new projects, talking new ideas for jewelry, and plans for the week upcoming. and it's safe to say i'm the first one to point out to others that there's no reason to plan for and dream of a future, if it only follows a present with nothing to fill it but empty wishes. so i try my hardest - to live the life i'm in today. living in the moment is important to me, and always has been. i've always made logical decisions, but rarely turn down an oppourtunity to go see a last minute concert, or go grab a drink with a friend only in town for a night. those oppourtunities pass quickly, and we only regret the chances we didn't take. 
image from pinterest
and yet, there is some part of me looking out for something else. something that won't let go. 
i'm not yet sure if it's a feeling of knowing comfort (a large reduction in physical pain) and other sources of happiness in another place, and having to leave it - across the country. i can't yet tell if it's returning home, and walking through my daily steps of a life i'm happy with - entirely happy with - but a little lacklustre about. i don't know if it's knowing that fulfilling my own commitment to happiness is changing any boredom i encounter and dressing it up with only purely enriching experiences.
these are all things that i have yet to figure out. 
but whatever it is, it's all a process. they are all steps in the grand scheme of things. and for me, i'm working on wearing multiple hats. not in the typical, 'jamie has many jobs' way, but in the mind-in-love-with-many-places-and-people-at-once type of way. knowing how to enjoy a space that is your own - your home - and give enough of your energy to loving it, while balancing an innate longing, and love for another time and place. it's a process that takes time, and there
what part of humanity longs for another we do not have?
why do we all seem 'doomed' (though that may be a bit of a strong word) to want the grass on the other side of the fence? why can't we just stop looking, and turn to our own yards - our yards (lives) that we've worked hard to cultivate, and enrich? by living purely in the future, and with hopes and plans of the future, we may miss out on simple things that bring joy to our day-to-day - the best smoothie you've ever made (something different about today's smoothie, compared to the ones you have every other morning); the way that your friend laughs truly and heartily when you recount stories of travels; the way a friend says they miss you, and you know they really mean it; the joy that comes from discovering a new shop, or a new route home in a city you've lived in for years. all of these things can become lost, if we spend those minutes, hours, days thinking only of what is coming next.
image from pinterest
why can't we find comfort, beauty, and an unappreciated love for the mundane - as long as it's on a path to creating, shaping and developing a beautiful life?
i'm going to leave things on this note - a charles bukowski poem that was featured in a levi's ad recently. call me crazy, but this summarizes to me a perfect plan of action. to not fall into a place where mediocre is good enough. to take chances on those things that bring incremental rays of light into a life - whether large chances, or small seemingly insignificant ones. to fail, and learn. to identify when an opportunity is presenting itself. and to embrace all of these things into a life that will eventually lead to a place where you are finally totally and entirely happy. 
and so, i will go forth. take chances. enjoy the light that currently exists. and take chances on the possibility of more light.

your life is your life  //  don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission  //  be on the watch  //  there are ways out  //  there is a light somewhere  //  it may not be much light but  //  it beats the darkness  //  be on the watch  //  the gods will offer you chances  //  know them  //  take them  //  you can’t beat death but  //  you can beat death in life,  sometimes  //  and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be  //  your life is your life  //  know it while you have it  //  you are marvelous  //  the gods wait to delight in you
i challenge you for just today. just one moment. take it in. and without thinking about tomorrow, this weekend, next week, next month, or 5 years from now.... just think about today. think about now. 

what happens when your life becomes a bit overwhelming.

so, i barely wrote this week. 
it was a weird feeling.... this sort of absence, with a sense of guilt. as though i owed something, to someone, and would be able to repay that debt with keystrokes, turned into letters, turned into words, turned into paragraphs, turned into stories. as though the world would be angry if i didn't write my feelings on a specific photography site, or art project, or a set of watches i loved (and to be fair - i WAS drooling over some watches this week).
but what is it about a blog - an online presence - that turns us (has turned me) into such a narcissist? as though the world - readers, friends, strangers - need to know what i'm doing at every second of every day. as though people are sitting at home, lost without my written word, and my thoughts on the celtics game last night, or some witty response to a whiskey company tweeting me.
it's all nothing.
i did spend this week being productive. very productive. productive in ways that stole my attention from writing. no writing here, no writing on my other blog (which i'm behind on posting my daily writing), and no writing in my notebooks i have littered around my apartment, my car, my purses, bags, and desk at work. instead, i spent my time working (right.... that thing that i have called a 9-5 job..... blech). i spent my time designing jewelry and cards for a friend. i spent the week doing graphic design in the form of some posters for workshops at a green store that i'm teaching a workshop at in a few weeks. i spent the week writing letters to friends (ok - so my week was not completely void of writing). i cleaned, tidied, purged, and read. yes friends - i. read. books.
it was all rather magical. i even scoped out the internet, for jewelry inspiration, design and type face inspiration, and for general interest - caught up on blogs i hadn't read in a while, etc. and you know what? i spent that time really reading what was on the screen.... not simply scanning to see if it were something i could blog about.
i should defend my mind at this point - i love this blog. i've spoken to those concerns before, and i dare not risk the idea that ANYONE think that i would quit, as this is nothing close to a burden for me. i love writing in this blog, i love hearing from friends that they read this blog, and i love being able to catalogue my loves, wants, dreams, and thoughts in one place. there are few things i take more pride in, than this blog.
side story: someone rather important to me, asked me this weekend, 'if you could make jewelry for the rest of your life as a career, would you?'. my immediate response was 'yes - absolutely.' and yet, it sent me for a bit of a tailspin. as though i didn't realize this before. but what's stopping me?
this is all to say.....
this week i didn't write. 
and man. it felt good. i have been feeling overwhelmed. stressed. perhaps even slightly depressed sad. contemplating the next month, 6 months, year, 5 years of your life is a heavy thing. and at the end of the day, i want to fill my time with things that provide me with value. that make me smile.
and this week.... this week it felt good to have the option to make the choice to not write.
so, for that, you get a verbose entry, lacking the typical photos that are quite characteristic of this blog. but for now, that's ok. this week, that's ok. it's what i need. it's what i needed. and perhaps you all needed a break too.
so instead of writing, i made jewelry. and i was happy.
and i'm refreshed. and i want to write again. (obviously, or this entry would not have come). so i will. 
thanks for listening. reading. not judging. not bailing. and not thinking i'm a narcissist. 
just thank you.