5 years.

i began this journey 5 years ago today. 5 years ago, i wrote my first blog post. a small excerpt about how i felt like a bit of a hippy sellout, for having a technology based diary, with a photo of me from my fourth year of university, sporting my glasses (that i still have.... i think i need new glasses), and my typically hip-tastical style that was characteristic of fourth year university, sociology student feminist 'i don't care what you think' jamie.... (though i still love fire engine red nail polish).

apparently i even called this photo 'red nail polish' at the time. secret love affair. 

5 years later. i'm still doing it. i'm writing weekly about things i love, things i do, things i want to do, things i think and feel and wish and hope. things i'm scared of, and nervous about, and wish i never knew. and while this whole journey began as a way to keep in touch with friends when i moved away to do my masters, it's turned into something i could have never imagined.
this blog has lead to sponsorships, jewelry opportunities, a chance to write for websites, and s many things i never thought it would bring... but more importantly, it's brought me closer to friend, and it's brought me the chance to write out my thoughts. and those things are irreplaceable.
when i am still looking for ways to add to my blog, my writing, and when i'm still searching for time in my day to write, i know i'm doing this thing for the right reasons. and 5 years later, i still love it.

see you in 5 years.

reflections

a friend of mine posted on my facebook wall today. 
she posted a quote, and when i began reading it, i thought that she was posting it in motivation - i have been (in all honesty) struggling with the big move, finding an apartment, and finding a job. not so muh the strugle itself - the tangible things. i'm sure an apartment will come (we've only been looking a week), and i'm sure a job will come soon enough as well. 

it's the other things. the distance, the uncertainty, the self doubt (the enemy). 

so i started reading this quote. and then she wrote: "you wrote that (ironically) 5 years ago. two weeks before this, you were worried you were always going to have to ask for time off so you could visit... vancouver. living the dream! :) xo"
it was a quote i had written myself. according to her, i had written it 5 years ago, and i had referred to visiting vancouver. i needed to know. i needed to see for myself. 

arriving in vancouver (photo by me)

sure enough.... one of my first entries was in regards to starting my full time job. my full time office job, right after school. 
"we start to question our every actions: am i making the right decision? am i selling out? am i forgetting where i came from? where will i be in 5 years? how will i know when to move on?
that questioning takes a toll on a persons confidence - not only in themselves, but in everything they think they knew.... life throws things at you. you duck, dodge, etc. i think i've managed to be hit square in the jaw."and my worries, about not being able to have time to visit vancouver. 
i guess, sometimes, we all just need a bit of reassurance. even if that comes from ourselves.

what happens when your life becomes a bit overwhelming.

so, i barely wrote this week. 

it was a weird feeling.... this sort of absence, with a sense of guilt. as though i owed something, to someone, and would be able to repay that debt with keystrokes, turned into letters, turned into words, turned into paragraphs, turned into stories. as though the world would be angry if i didn't write my feelings on a specific photography site, or art project, or a set of watches i loved (and to be fair - i WAS drooling over some watches this week).

but what is it about a blog - an online presence - that turns us (has turned me) into such a narcissist? as though the world - readers, friends, strangers - need to know what i'm doing at every second of every day. as though people are sitting at home, lost without my written word, and my thoughts on the celtics game last night, or some witty response to a whiskey company tweeting me.
it's all nothing.
i did spend this week being productive. very productive. productive in ways that stole my attention from writing. no writing here, no writing on my other blog (which i'm behind on posting my daily writing), and no writing in my notebooks i have littered around my apartment, my car, my purses, bags, and desk at work. instead, i spent my time working (right.... that thing that i have called a 9-5 job..... blech). i spent my time designing jewelry and cards for a friend. i spent the week doing graphic design in the form of some posters for workshops at a green store that i'm teaching a workshop at in a few weeks. i spent the week writing letters to friends (ok - so my week was not completely void of writing). i cleaned, tidied, purged, and read. yes friends - i. read. books.
it was all rather magical. i even scoped out the internet, for jewelry inspiration, design and type face inspiration, and for general interest - caught up on blogs i hadn't read in a while, etc. and you know what? i spent that time really reading what was on the screen.... not simply scanning to see if it were something i could blog about.
i should defend my mind at this point - i love this blog. i've spoken to those concerns before, and i dare not risk the idea that ANYONE think that i would quit, as this is nothing close to a burden for me. i love writing in this blog, i love hearing from friends that they read this blog, and i love being able to catalogue my loves, wants, dreams, and thoughts in one place. there are few things i take more pride in, than this blog.
side story: someone rather important to me, asked me this weekend, 'if you could make jewelry for the rest of your life as a career, would you?'. my immediate response was 'yes - absolutely.' and yet, it sent me for a bit of a tailspin. as though i didn't realize this before. but what's stopping me?
this is all to say.....
this week i didn't write. 
and man. it felt good. i have been feeling overwhelmed. stressed. perhaps even slightly depressed sad. contemplating the next month, 6 months, year, 5 years of your life is a heavy thing. and at the end of the day, i want to fill my time with things that provide me with value. that make me smile.
and this week.... this week it felt good to have the option to make the choice to not write.
so, for that, you get a verbose entry, lacking the typical photos that are quite characteristic of this blog. but for now, that's ok. this week, that's ok. it's what i need. it's what i needed. and perhaps you all needed a break too.

so instead of writing, i made jewelry. and i was happy.

and i'm refreshed. and i want to write again. (obviously, or this entry would not have come). so i will. 

thanks for listening. reading. not judging. not bailing. and not thinking i'm a narcissist. 

just thank you.

reasons i write my blog #1

so. it's important to me to revisit time to time, why i write this blog. why i started, why i continue, and why i don't just stop.
life has been crazy... no. that's an understatement. life has been so up in the air, shooting stars in a meteor shower, can't sleep, can't eat, making, creating, losing, laughing, talking, thinking, barely thinking, interning, writing.... ah. it's been over the fence enjoyable, but crazy.

image from weheartit.com/

so a couple of nights ago, i had a thought - should i put my blog on hold for a bit? figure my life out, and all that's going on, in order to refocus? maybe i should hold the blog, and focus on making jewelry (and marketing re:claim and thackeray's vanity); focus on the art/jewelry show i coordinated in December, and the ones I'd like to coordinate this year; the internship, and what i was able to gain from that; focus on the job i was offered part time, and what that could mean for a future in silversmithing; focus on my website with alex, and the future we both see, but haven't had time to focus on; think about my friendships, my financial situation, and all of the things that are important to me; focus on making my 9-5 job more enjoyable, and ONLY a 9-5. should i focus on all of these things, and just hold the blog aspect of life for a moment in time?
i also received a tweet from a stranger a couple of weeks ago, who noted, "[...] also it's spelled 'inconsistency'. #justtryingtohelp". it made me step back. i had to remind myself that some people don't get it. he's not a consistant (oh boy) reader. he doesn't realize that i spelt 'inconsistancy' with irony in mind. and in putting your true self out there on the internet, you get the people going. people who you feel like you have to explain yourself to. when in reality, there's no reason for it.

from Marta Writes pinterest

so, it occurred to me. one of the things i enjoy the most in my day to day life - over and above ALL of those things - is my blog. i enjoy engaging with my friends, and complete strangers. i enjoy what i get to share, and i enjoy it as my source of therapy. and i am protective, and proud, and in love with it.
and the odd time, i get a message from a friend. a message that says to me 'you need to keep writing. if for no other reason, than you get to reach out to people who you care about'.
so. thus begins my reminder to myself, as well as a compilation of tributes to the wonderful friends i have. and the wonderful reasons i have to write my blog.
the first is from steph. she is one of my dearest friends - a friend who constantly reaffirms the truth to me, even if i don't want to hear it. she's one of my biggest supporters, and she does so by being honest and just. and everything that comes out of her mouth, i trust in all of it's validity. she renewed me last year when i needed it. big time... and she had no idea....
"dear jamie,
so today you came into my life in two ways...and you didn't even know it. [.......] I find it important (or maybe its that I have been told so many times) to google oneself. I do it every six months or so. today I decided to explore and go beyond the first few pages on google because we all know [SM] is not a common name. on the third page there was a comment i made on a blog in April of 2009....about having a hippy wedding. your blog to be exact. I proceeded to ignore my family for the next few hours and read every entry since then. there are so many thoughts going on in my head I feel like I should shut the door on the thoughts, leave for a bit, have a drink and then return. however I know that many of them will escape throughout the night and maybe will not have as much meaning as originally intended.
after reading almost two years of entries I realized how much I didn't know about you anymore. I didn't know you and greig broke up, that you moved, lived on couches, fell into like and so much more. but more importantly, i was once again in awe (honestly) of what an amazing woman you are. not only have given me 20 plus new websites to stalk, but you live. you really really live. reading your life...made me realize how much I am wasting mine... maybe not wasting but not fully appreciating, living, exploring and discovering with the time and opportunities I have. does that make sense? at the beginning of my reading I began to wonder why you were ever my friend.... i love meat, i don't have the same passions like you (I wish I did but I don't), you appreciate life to such an extent and live it with all your senses. but, as I kept reading I realized why we had begun to be friends... we live to eat....the tastes textures, cultures, people that make up food is all so intoxicating. we are both in different ways romantics (don't you dare deny it) and love to be different in our own way... may it be with a funky headband or a really cool card. we both have our embarassing loves...yours might be chuck but if I could dress like serena....and have her hair just for a day.... the appreciation for the written word may be the biggest one for me (other then the exploring piece) someday Jamie you have to promise me you'll go to Pairs and go to Shakespeare and company. It is our heaven.
after reading the last entry posted yesterday I believe I think I came to the hardest realization (and this is more for me than for you) - I have a life without you in it and it's fine. it's a pretty good life there are some things I wish for, things I could do more and things that I am blessed to have. nevertheless even though it's fine doesn't mean for me it's ok. It's stupid to say this but reading your blog made me realize how much I missed having you in my life (and if you don't feel the same way that is totally fine and if this creeps you out I'm sorry). I miss my friend that I could gossip about dreamy boys over like A and J, the friend that would drool over indian food with me and that friend that I know I could really laugh with. So I won't fill this email with the loaded questions of how are you blah blah blah even though I really do care about that kind of stuff.
I guess the point of the story is that I know we both have enough friends but I would like you to be one of mine again...does that even make any sense? Now I know the whole living across the ocean is quite hard but I hope (fingers crossed) I will be in Toronto by the summer with a fabulous new job and a unique funky apartment for me to make home. If that so happens I would love to have someone show me the city, really show me the city and share a cup of tea with me. If you're up for it let me know. If your life is full enough that is fine as well.
I guess i just want you to know if we never see eachother again...which i really hope its not the case, you have brought so much to my life and I really appreciate you and the person you are. I have the upmost respect and love for you. I am a full circle kind of person and so I think that since you have given me so much I can only return the favour. If you know of all this stuff then I apologize...
Anyways if you've made it this far I'm impressed. I just knew I had to write you to let you know that even after all these years you still mean a lot to me.
Happy Holidays Jamie,
Lots of Liaison building love, S"
that is a friend. and i am lucky to have multiple friends like this.
so thank you friends. for reading. for caring. i will continue to write. and you can continue to read. and i'll build a thick skin, for those people who hate me. but for those who love me - i will try to continue to write for your entertainment.