sometimes life changes in front of you, and you have literally no control over it.
when i was
in grade 3, my dad was transferred, and we moved from kingston, to the hamilton area, where my family lives now. at the time, it was possibly the worst thing that could have ever happened - though in hindsight, cutting my hair in to a mushroom cut in reaction was likely worse. it impacted how i felt about myself, my friends, and taught me a lot about starting new, leaving people and things behind, and what it meant to be part of a family.
in grade 12, after being what some may call a 'bad kid', i realized a major religious change through a series of events which brought me to the church. the events i had little control over, and i stand by the fact that i had little control over my draw to the church as well - it was something that just had to be done. it figuratively (and likely literally) saved my life, and my personal faith and religion impacts everything i do, on a daily basis.
the
year i moved from laurier (where i completed my undergraduate degree)
to humber (where i did my post graduate), i lost a dear friend - she passed suddenly in her sleep, days after she turned 18. it was out of my control, and those of us who she had touched were there for one another, but it changed the way we all felt about love, life, family, permanency, the thereafter, and the future.
almost 2 years ago,
i broke my back. though i could control my actions and movements, i had no control over the unpredictable outcome of years (a lifetime) of pain, rehabilitation, and the change that it would impose on the life i knew prior to that moment. it changed my self definition, brought me to a mental health struggle i had never experienced before, and taught me plenty about being alone, and reteaching myself skills. it was necessary. a necessary pain, and a devestating alteration to my life - but aside from the physical and mental pain, it was a good thing. never have i learned more about who i am, and what i want.
about a 3 months ago now, i drove an ATV over the side of a
mountain in whistler. i haven't told many people, as i still have nightmares about it. i lost control, and on the way down, hit a tree stump - what appeared (after) to be the only tree stump in sight. i walked away with only (relatively) minor cuts and bruises and a cracked rib, and a newly developed fear of heights. i now notice i have trouble driving near road's edges, and find walking on steep paths fill me with extreme anxiety. it left me with sleepless nights, nightmares, and yet it left me with a sense of immediacy and urgency about the life i have left that was much needed - both at the time, and still to this day.
almost a month ago, a friend of mine was in a bicycle accident, and 2 weeks later, passed away. he was a long time friend, and a friend who had varying roles in my life throughout the time we knew one another. his passing was a shock, and it will be something that lives with many of his friends for a long time. it reminded me of friendships come and gone, and those that are valued - and how important it is to revisit those, and be vocal about your love for people in your life.
all of this is to say all of these life changing events (whether serious, or seemingly minor), changed who i was; changed who i am. to cope, i used the skills i built, and those skills were modified heavily by the events that mark the milestones in my life. those skills were made by bad haircuts, losing friends, crashing vehicles, finding a place where i belonged for the first time ever. those skills brought me to here - and when the next moment comes, i will be prepared with a new skill. one newly gained.
as humans, we seem to relinquish credit for our achievements or our personalities to faith; to a higher being; to weaknesses or strengths. we neglect to look back, and take inventory of what has built in us these things - where we acted strong, or weak, poorly, or proudly, and how it made us who we are today.
how WE made us who we are today.
we often neglect to give credit to the people or things that we encountered that built us up, or broke us down. it is those things that should take credit - those skills we gain in our day-to-day are the skills that get us through. we acknowledge that by driving, we learn how to become better drivers... so why is it that we can't acknowledge that by living, we become better at life?
i've reflected. lots lately. and of course, it's always in light of a major change that reflections come forward. and yet, these reflections are not life-changing... they seem to keep us on track. they remind us of the tool belt we have, the skillset we've built, and remind us that we just need to look down, and start.
we all need some reflection time - we all need to be reminded every now and then that we're human - and yet, we have the tools we need for this exact moment.
