in reflection and with intention.... i have to revisit
a blog entry i wrote a little while ago.
the situation has come full circle, and has provided me with much insight. it has provided me with the insight to say that i still stand by
my beliefs of a person's feelings of love, and what those feelings mean to their life, other relationships, and ourselves.
i was able to have a conversation recently with the ex-girlfriend referred to in my
first entry, as well as a mutual friend of all of ours... and what light it shone. essentially, the conversation broke down 4 different stories - his, hers, friend's, and mine. and interestingly enough the only 2 that were somewhat parallel were mine, and the friend's.
'Go find another lover | To bring a... to string along | With all your lies | You're still very lovable' - bon iver
throughout this scenario, i had been called a stalker, insistant, obsessive, and more. the beauty of the situation is that anyone who knows me, knows i am not the type - i'm distant, cold, and unwilling even to those who i am willing to open up to.
i could spend pages with notes on what we spoke about, the things that made the three of us laugh, speechless, or snicker. i could have also recoiled with letters/emails of defense, shock, accusations and clarification of lies.
however.
instead, i find peace.
the
beauty of the truth is that it rises above all - proverbial oil on water. no matter how mixed into the concrete swarms of lies that truth becomes,
it somehow manages to emerge, sparkling clean, ready to share itself. and share itself it did.
so again, i reiterate -
"what is it about love that turns who we are, and what we know, on our heads?"
a feeling so strong it causes even the most seemingly pulled together person, to utilize self-preservation methods to their own demise... to isolate friends, business connections, and the like, while maintaining only their face value. when, in time, that face value becomes further depleted once those truths rise to the surface. and they always do. they always come to the top.
and again, i reiterate - this situation, i simply use as a platform. i don't think there is much spectacular about this scenario i found myself intertwined in, other than its reality that i have embraced. i think it speaks to many things about love and relationships, friendships and truth, that we have all - at one point or another - found ourselves to be true of human nature.
one of the things that we chatted in length about, was her trust in my validity. i have nothing to gain - in fact, i'm sure i make more enemies through my blog, than i do friends.
but you see, my friends, that's not the point. the point is to just write. to spill truths in every shape and colour into my writing. to share with friends and strangers. and, perhaps
most importantly - to not be censored. i rarely use names (unless reflecting on a weekend, or praising a friend), because other people's privacy is important to me. it is, and always has been,
my decision to write on this blog. and from that, comes transparency. strangers who become friends; people who know things about you that sometimes friends don't; your truth on the world's stage.
i don't hide anything - and i won't start now.
so i can say this - in reflection: the truth starts with ourselves. i vow to be truthful with myself, about my feelings, wants, needs, desires, and strengths. and through that, comes the confidence to be true with everyone around me. a lie comes from insecurity. and i will not be known as that person - and i think, a few more people in this world (as discovered by a thick and perfect conversation) have decided not to invite those people into any part of their being anymore.
can we love ourselves enough to prohibit lies and poor treatment? i'm going to find out.
and i maintain how i finished my
last entry.....
"so this i wish for all of us – those who are reading: i sincerely hope we find happiness. i hope those who hurt us, realize they have hurt us. i hope we only allow people to love us the way that we deserve to be loved. and the way that we all deserve to sacrifice everything – relationships, creativity, dignity, and our hearts – for. i hope that we all find the strength in ourselves to do what we love – despite what other people expect of us. i hope that we can allow ourselves to move forward, learning from our experiences. i hope we can finally find ourselves comfortable with our various relationships – in such a way that we don’t have to worry about what people think.
and until these things happen - and after they are all proven true - i maintain that i continue to write for myself. an outlet. a therapy. you can read, or you can ignore. but if you make the conscious decision to read, then this is written for you, but not to you. it's to me. hopefully a way to communicate to my future, or former self that one day, it will all turn out the way it is supposed to."
