written by kent nerburn, as part of a book on essays called, 'make me an instrument of your peace'. you can read the whole piece in a multitude of places, originally posted here (and i encourage you to), as well as some beautifully articulate thoughts on people's reflections and the human nature, from the author here.
Read Morerelationships
the truth will make or break us.
I had a conversation with a good friend a short time ago –
we were speaking to our recent brushes with online honesty. she was commenting
that despite my constant support and borderline harassment from me for her to change her tumblr and twitter accounts to enable public viewing, she was simply nervous to let people into her world. she had encountered her first bit of criticism – or ‘hating’ – from a blogger
she admired, and her reaction was what would be expected. someone you respect
suddenly turns on you, and shows the same unkindness that they have spouted
towards others…. it’s a shot to the gut. this friend said emphatically that she
thought I was brave – to put my life and opinions out there, for the world to
see. and, perhaps more importantly, for the world to criticize, and silently
(and sometimes not so silently) judge.
my response to her was simply that I am no more
brave than the next person – but perhaps it’s stupidity. I was always the kid who
spoke before I thought. I was the one who said things that I later may regret,
and would often think - mere seconds after the words left my mouth - that I
perhaps should have kept the thought to myself. i’ve always had a problem with
impulse control - i lack the ability to think before i speak, and hold those
things in that we should not say out loud. but this i’ve learned: i’ve learned
that sometimes... sometimes those things that slip through our grasps and leave
our minds and mouths... sometimes, those are the things that most need to be
said. sometimes those are the things no one else is brave enough to say.
‘once said, never unsaid’
and perhaps it is for this reason, she called me
brave. perhaps, it is for this reason that after I wrote my first entry on
something that resonated with people, and I received a few (3) phone calls and messages to
‘not write about things I know nothing about’. more importantly, I also received the most emails,
messages, texts, and calls from friends, and followers, exclaiming that it was
my best post yet, the best writing to date, and that I was more brave than they
would ever be for writing it.
image from pinterest
i will
not stop being who i am. i am, who i am. most people hate me... but there are a
few - a select few - and they love me. the rest are simply without opinion. and
at the end of the day (which i’ve written a few times before), i wrote for no
one but me.
but. that's the thing about honesty - it can divide. so, where is the middle point? at what point does honestly become rudeness, and at what point is enough honesty, too much?
i had a friend in university - she lived on my floor in first year, and then we shared a house with 3 other friends in second year. after essentially a year's worth of on-again off-again passive aggressive conflict, she made the decision to leave school, and our house (with much drama engrained in her departure). i recall one of the strongest parts of our relationship (when it existed) was her continued insistence that she valued my honest opinion immensely - that i was often the only person she could trust to be truthful, and tell her when something was wrong. whether that something as insignificant as her choice in clothing, or something major like a behaviour that was bothering me, and i wanted to clear the air. however, when she left, in her departing tirade (including a phone call from her mother - yes. this was a 20 something 'woman'. who had her mother call me) she said that she was sick of me telling her what i thought. that she wished when she asked for my opinion, i had just told her things to make her happy.
someone once told me that they trust when i tell them someone - positive, happy, engaging and serious - that they 100% trust that what i'm saying is the truth. i stepped back, puzzled, and asked them (honestly), 'do you not trust that of every one of your friends?', and they confirmed that they don't. they told me that because i will always tell them what i truly believe - when asked - whether good or bad, they know that when it is a good thing, i'm not dressing it up with frills and feel good emotions. they trust that i believe what i say, and that i will never lead them astray. and when push comes to shove, i want only the best for the people who i care about.
i guess what it comes down to is a fundamental truth about humans - we are all looking for some sort of truth, and some sort of level of acceptance from others. unfortunately, we all dabble that line between truth and acceptance differently... making it a challenge to navigate through life and relationships sometimes. i've learned to not give my (honest) opinion where someone doesn't ask for it, and to be honest in the most objective and kind way possible. i've learned that some people ask for the truth, and don't want it. i've learned sometimes it's best to keep things inside, and reflect on them later - either alone, or with another person who you can trust. and i hope i continue to learn these things and things like this, and build a character who continues to be true to myself, but also authentic to those around me.
but. that's the thing about honesty - it can divide. so, where is the middle point? at what point does honestly become rudeness, and at what point is enough honesty, too much?
i had a friend in university - she lived on my floor in first year, and then we shared a house with 3 other friends in second year. after essentially a year's worth of on-again off-again passive aggressive conflict, she made the decision to leave school, and our house (with much drama engrained in her departure). i recall one of the strongest parts of our relationship (when it existed) was her continued insistence that she valued my honest opinion immensely - that i was often the only person she could trust to be truthful, and tell her when something was wrong. whether that something as insignificant as her choice in clothing, or something major like a behaviour that was bothering me, and i wanted to clear the air. however, when she left, in her departing tirade (including a phone call from her mother - yes. this was a 20 something 'woman'. who had her mother call me) she said that she was sick of me telling her what i thought. that she wished when she asked for my opinion, i had just told her things to make her happy.
ohhhhhh the many many things that are entirely wrong with that comment.
nevertheless, it made me think. and though it was over 5 years ago, it continues to make me think - do people really want the truth? people claim they do, but what they really want is the truth that appeases them - they then want all other commentary on life to be fluffy stuff that makes them smile. they want a friend who keeps the hard truths locked up, and that same person who elaborates on the good truths, to make them seem larger than life.
and for some time, i wondered if that was what i should be doing.
would i have more friends? would i make more people happy? would people like me more? and then it occurred to me - quite recently, as i've had time (and reason) recently to reflect on some of my personal weaknesses (hey! i'm human! i'm WELL aware of the things that make me difficult to live with!)... why be someone else, if the person who i am most comfortable with is me? i have made great strides in the past short while to avoid toxic relationships - to emit from my life and social schedule those 'friends' who are more stressful than fulfilling to spend time with. so, if i've made great leaps and bounds in my level of happiness as a result of that, then what makes me think that i should be living a toxic and unfulfilling version of myself?
image from pinterest
now. please don't misinterpret - i embrace the truth about the downfalls of my verbal incompetencies. i speak out of turn often. i judge people, and sometimes let those judgements escape too quickly into a public forum. i make people uncomfortable, and edgy. and sometimes what i say is perceived as mean (though rarely intended that way). and those are not positive things - those are the things that people like me should strive to change. to restrain in certain ways. but the honesty when people ask? the truth when it hurts but someone wants it? the off the cuff remarks that work in some situations to ease the tension (aka. people can laugh at my stupidity - hence, making them feel better about themselves. trust me - this happens OFTEN)? these are all things i never want to lose. someone once told me that they trust when i tell them someone - positive, happy, engaging and serious - that they 100% trust that what i'm saying is the truth. i stepped back, puzzled, and asked them (honestly), 'do you not trust that of every one of your friends?', and they confirmed that they don't. they told me that because i will always tell them what i truly believe - when asked - whether good or bad, they know that when it is a good thing, i'm not dressing it up with frills and feel good emotions. they trust that i believe what i say, and that i will never lead them astray. and when push comes to shove, i want only the best for the people who i care about.
i guess what it comes down to is a fundamental truth about humans - we are all looking for some sort of truth, and some sort of level of acceptance from others. unfortunately, we all dabble that line between truth and acceptance differently... making it a challenge to navigate through life and relationships sometimes. i've learned to not give my (honest) opinion where someone doesn't ask for it, and to be honest in the most objective and kind way possible. i've learned that some people ask for the truth, and don't want it. i've learned sometimes it's best to keep things inside, and reflect on them later - either alone, or with another person who you can trust. and i hope i continue to learn these things and things like this, and build a character who continues to be true to myself, but also authentic to those around me.
image from pinterest
we can never take back the things we say. and we all have some level of fear that people won't like us - and the truth can hurt. but saying what you mean, and meaning what you say is not necessarily brave (i still maintain that it requires some level of stupidity - particularly in my case) - it just means being who you are. taking the criticism and compliments as you can. and continuing to be a you that you love. and being authentic is the only way to do that. authenticity is built from truth telling, and respecting those around us, and the relationships we hold with them.
and those things, i will never ever stop doing.